he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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