My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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