Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
