I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
