After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my shit smells like andre
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
