just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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