I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
