yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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