The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
