Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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