Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
