I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
