Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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