he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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