don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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