when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
