He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
