is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
