Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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