why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
