I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
