Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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