herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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