$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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