I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
