last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
