This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
