I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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