So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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