note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
