Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
