I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
