haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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