I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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