My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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