Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
