when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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