He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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