I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
