it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
