Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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