I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
