dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize