Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
