The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
