I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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