Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize