god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize