You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
