the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Randomize
