Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
