these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
