I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
