I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
