my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
