you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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