this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
