im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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