Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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