He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am available for nakedness
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
