I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
