OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
