birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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