i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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