you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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