No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
