I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
