Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
