just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
